falafel_musings: (breaking bad 2)
[personal profile] falafel_musings
title. The Sins of the Father
fandom. Breaking Bad
characters. Walt and Jesse. Walt POV.
summary. Future fic set sometime after the Denny's teaser. Finding himself cornered by the DEA, Walt tries to find another perfect moment to die and some way for Jesse to live free. 
warnings. Heavy angst, hints of violence. 
disclaimer. BrBa is not mine and I shouldn't really be touching it. 
authors note. First off, huge thanks to my beta readers [livejournal.com profile] lenina20 and [livejournal.com profile] hanfastolfe for reading this fic through and offering me some sage advice. Writing BrBa fic is the most daunting fan project I've ever attempted so I needed the hand holding. This fic is a dark depressing gift that I promised to [livejournal.com profile] waltzmatildah after we gave each other the same challenge to write a 'Jesse finds out everything' fic. This is my nervous attempt at fulfilling that challenge.     

The Sins of the Father

The plan was simple. At least that’s what Walt kept insisting.

It was certainly simple when considered alongside the complex predicaments he and Jesse had survived through in the past. Yes, they had escaped from far worse perils than this one. They had been trapped in situations where they were far more defenceless.

To Walt’s mind, an M60 machine gun made everything a good deal simpler.

Ten months of target practice in the forests of New Hampshire and Walt had liberated Jesse from Declan’s lab in a little over ten minutes. Walt hadn’t expected the Phoenix crew to let their distribution network run dry after he had gone into hiding, but Walt wouldn’t tolerate them taking his formula, taking his money and not even for a moment would he stand for them taking Jesse. The blue meth would die with him and Jesse would live free and it was as simple as that. The difficult part came in the aftermath. The noise of a machine gun and the mess it leaves behind don’t allow for the quietest getaway. 

Walt had been prepared for the DEA taking chase. It had been part of his plan to fall back to old Joe’s junkyard if the cops were on their tail. He had called the workers that morning and (for a price) they had cleared the site, leaving it deserted for Walt to make his last stand. He and Jesse had hidden themselves in Joe’s office, huddling beneath its windows. It was here that Walt was trying to explain to Jesse that the rest of his plan was simple too. Yes, the DEA were at the junkyard gates, but Walt was the one they wanted. Walt could create a diversion and cover Jesse’s escape. They didn’t know Jesse was with him. Jesse could flee the scene, scrambling under the heaps of rusty metal and crawling through the trenches that Joe’s guys had dug along the fence. Old Joe had even left maps marked with the best routes out of his yard. He had left a used car and its keys on a lonely lane close by.

Saul had taken care of the rest of the arrangements. Once Jesse was safely on the desert road out of Albuquerque he was to head straight for New Hampshire. And when he got to New Hampshire he would no longer be Jesse Pinkman. He would be Jesse Lambert. He would be in town to inherit the house and the trust fund left to him by his father, Walter Lambert, who had recently lost his long battle with lung cancer. Saul had even forged a college degree into Jesse’s new identity so he might find himself a legitimate career once he had settled into his new life. This was the best Walt could do for a legacy now. His real family were out of his reach. Jesse was the last person left who he could provide for.

So that was the plan. And so far the only thing not going according to plan was Jesse himself. And really...Walt should have expected that much.   

“You’re not doing this!” said Jesse, as if he could actually stop him. “I’m serious. You start firing that thing again, I’ll walk out of here and give myself up! How are you going to justify your crazy-ass shooting spree then, huh? I mean, you’re talking about the mass murder of a bunch of cops! Guys who are just doing their jobs, just trying to keep society safe from scumbags like us. No way, man! No fucking way! This ends here.”

“I’ll aim to wound,” said Walt, in no mood for arguments. “They have bulletproof vests and shields, Jesse. There’s only one person likely to die in this shootout. I’m making myself a target to get you out of here. You’re welcome, by the way.” 

“Yeah and I’m telling you it’s not worth it!” Jesse fumed. “I’m not worth it! I don’t want it. What? You think you’re being the big hero here? Making your big sacrifice? Fuck that shit! You’re just having yourself one last birthday party with your new...toy. How can you be sure you won’t kill anyone else with that thing? Do you even care? Jesus!! Your brother in law might be out there. You gonna take pot shots at him too?”

Jesse began to rise from his crouching position, craning his neck to peer out the window. Walt grabbed his sleeve and pulled him back to the floor.

“Stay down!” Walt hissed. “Jesse, they don’t know you’re here! Don’t let them see you. If Hank spots you in the window he might just kill you on sight!”

Jesse yanked himself free of Walt’s grasp, drawing his knees into his chest. Walt didn’t like the way Jesse recoiled from his touch. They should have been united in this moment. They should have been Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid at the end of their adventures. Instead Jesse looked like he was about to throw up on the floor. Tears leaked from the corners of his tired eyes. And he could barely bring himself to look at Walt.

“Why aren’t they coming for us yet?” Jesse asked faintly.

Walt shrugged. “I’m not certain of the procedure. They’re probably waiting for me to make the first move. Maybe they think I’ve got hostages in here.”

Walt glanced down at his watch, his birthday present, like it might tell him the exact number of minutes he had left to save Jesse. All the watch did was tick.

“You need to go,” Walt concluded. “There’s no time.”

Jesse squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. “Mr White, please.”

Walt coughed and clasped the weapon tighter to his chest.

Mr White. It was crazy that it still meant something to him - Jesse addressing him like he was still his chemistry teacher. Mr White the educator, the good citizen, the husband, the father, the cancer patient...Walt had left that man so far behind him. Yet to hear Jesse say it again, after so long, made Walt want to forget where he was, forget the danger that was inching closer with every passing second...made him want to stop and just talk to Jesse again.   

“Okay,” Walt heard himself saying. “I’m putting it down.”

Walt clicked on the safety and laid down the gun. For good measure, he pushed it across the floor. It skidded to rest in the far corner of the office. Walt could still lunge for it if he needed to. But for now Walt turned back to Jesse and displayed his empty hands. He had hoped that relinquishing his gun would calm Jesse. Calm him enough so that he would agree to follow Walt’s instructions. But instead Walt noticed that Jesse’s fingers were twitching close to a bulge in the small of his back. He blinked in surprise. How long had Jesse been carrying a gun?

Walt tipped his head, pointing to the weapon poking from Jesse’s waistband.

“Is there a reason why you’re allowed to be armed and I’m not?”

Jesse flinched and pulled the gun from his jeans. For a moment it looked like Jesse might slide the gun across the floor to join Walt’s weapon in solidarity.

But no. Jesse kept hold of it, clasping it in both hands.

“I just...” he stammered, “It’s for protection.”

Walt rolled his eyes. “I was protecting us just fine!”

But now Walt noticed how Jesse winced a little each time he spoke. Jesse had made it plain that he didn’t want any of the law enforcers massing outside to be harmed. There was only one other person in the vicinity who Jesse might feel the need to use a gun against. Walt coughed and then clenched his teeth.

“So what...you think you need to protect yourself from me, Jesse? With everything I’m trying to do for you here?! We were partners for over a year. Doesn't that count for something anymore?”

“Wasn’t Mike your partner too?” Jesse blurted out.

Walt hesitated. “You...you think I killed Mike?”

“Saul’s pretty sure you did.” Jesse bit down hard on his lower lip, seeming to grow more agitated as Walt let a silence stretch between them. “So are you even going to deny it? I mean, did Mike try to shoot you or something? When you brought him his bag? Did he try to whack you because he knew you were going after his guys?”

Walt couldn’t help but smile. Even now Jesse was offering him the excuse of self-defense. It would be an easy lie to tell. Mike had threatened to murder Walt more than once and would have done so if Jesse hadn’t been there to shield him. And really, Mike should’ve killed Walt that day. Walt still felt a little insulted that he hadn’t even tried; that Mike continued to underestimate him no matter what extremes Walt went to, no matter what he achieved. 

Now Jesse was underestimating him too. Walt was sick of it.

“No Jesse, Mike didn’t threaten my life. He just wanted to get out.”

Jesse blinked in confusion. “Then why did you do it? Why did you kill him?”

Walt could only shrug. “It’s hard to say really. There were some harsh words spoken between us. I had a gun in my hand and then, all of a sudden...it was done.”

Walt wasn’t sure what he was doing, telling Jesse the truth. That wasn’t part of the plan. Or was it? Walt had done what he’d done and it was over now. Did he have to keep lying? Did he still have to hide? Why shouldn’t he have a last taste of freedom too?

The colour drained from Jesse’s face. The gun in his hands was no longer clutched to his chest. He had raised it shakily before him, aiming it vaguely at Walt’s heart. Walt kept on smiling. This was almost nostalgic. Once Walt had talked Jesse out of shooting him; it was a very different kind of challenge trying to talk Jesse into pulling the trigger.

Never give up control, Walt reminded himself. Better Jesse than the DEA. There needed to be a Plan B and this would have to suffice. Walt had told Saul that if anything went wrong, then he was to handle Jesse’s defense. It was Saul’s job to get him off by any means necessary; say he was manipulated, say he was coerced, tell the jury it was Walt who shot Gale Boetticher. See that Jesse got reduced sentence at least, a chance to live again after he was gone.

Walt owed him that much. He could still provide that.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Jesse hissed, cutting into Walt’s thoughts. “You better tell me that the cancer went to your brain or I swear that I’ll...”

“You’ll what?” Walt asked, almost playfully. “What else did Saul tell you, Jesse? Did he tell you about that bag of candy laced with Lily of the Valley that I had him give to Brock? You almost worked that one out for yourself didn’t you? Maybe if you’d trusted your own mind you could’ve ended this long before now. Instead you trusted me.”

With every word spilling from his lips, Walt was bracing himself for Jesse’s reaction, even if it came in the form of a bullet to his chest. Jesse was silent, acting as though he hadn’t heard him. His eyes were glazed over, though tears still slipped from them, streaming his cheeks. Walt had seen Jesse like this before; in a state of catatonia, barely able to function. Jesse in shock didn’t suit his purposes. Walt needed to jolt him into action.

“Aren’t you going to ask me why, Jesse? You asked me why last time. I don’t mind telling you. I did the only thing that I could to bring you back to my side. I knew that you’d panic and come to me...just like you came to me when Jane died.”

The word ‘Jane’ snapped Jesse back into focus. Walt had his attention now.

“I have to tell you, Jesse,” said Walt, surprised by the tenderness that had crept into his voice even as he prepared to plunge this last dagger of truth into the boy. “I have to tell you about the night Jane died. You have to know, her death...I did that too.”

Walt was speaking very slowly now, like he was explaining something to a small child. Jesse’s tears slowed too. His eyes were hard and hungering.

“You see, I was there, Jesse,” Walt continued. “I went back to your house that night. You were both lying in bed. You had that poison in your veins and I...I couldn’t wake you up. When I was shaking you I knocked Jane over onto her back. I didn’t mean to but, well...that was when she threw up. That’s when she started to choke.”       

Walt wouldn’t tell Jesse he wept as he watched the convulsing girl give up her struggle to breathe. He wasn’t seeking absolution here. He was seeking the right combination of words; the right catalyst of words that would send a signal into Jesse’s brain to send a signal to Jesse’s fingers to bring about an end to this terrible experiment.   

Walt said those words now. “I could have rolled her on her side. I could have saved her life. But I did nothing. I let her die. It was what was best for you.”

Jesse clicked the safety off his gun. Walt was on the verge of laughing. He was still in control of his partner. He wanted it to be Jesse who did this. If Jesse killed him, Walt knew that he would carry the scars for the rest of his life. And Walt wanted to leave scars.

The shot never came. Walt’s chest heaved and he coughed in the silence. It felt like his cancer was laughing back at him, like it could still defeat him.

Jesse drew his arm back and pressed the gun to his own temple.

“Is this what you want?” he asked.

Walt coughed and spluttered, feeling panicked for the first time that day. No, he didn’t want a bullet in the head for Jesse. He was trying to give Jesse a whole new life. In another town, in another state, he could be Jesse Lambert; a young man who never cooked meth, who never melted a body in acid, who never woke beside the corpse of a girl he loved, who never shot a frightened man in his doorway, who never saw an innocent child murdered in front of him. All those nightmares would fade in time. Jesse was still young.

“No,” said Walt. “No Jesse, listen to me. Give me the gun.”

“But isn’t this what you want?!” Jesse asked again.

Walt shook his head. “How could you possibly think that?”

“Admit it! You’re trying to fuck me up so bad I’ll blow my brains out. You just want me out of the way so you can enjoy your last little blaze of glory. So...so you just made all that shit up, right? That stuff about Jane, that stuff about Brock? I bet you never even killed Mike! You’ll say anything to finish me off. Is that the plan, you sick fuck?”

“I...I’m not lying,” Walt began.

“Shut up!!”

Jesse closed his eyes, his finger whitening on the trigger, seeming ready to get Mr White out of his head once and for all. Walt moved fast. He wrenched Jesse’s arm up to the ceiling, the stray bullet blowing a hole in the roof. Walt was surprised how easily the gun slipped from Jesse’s wet palm. He was even more surprised when Jesse slumped forward onto his chest, crumpling like a puppet that had just had all its strings cut. Walt clasped Jesse’s shoulder and shook him out of his faint. Jesse could barely open his eyes; he was pale and trembling after his impulsive attempt at suicide. Walt wrapped one arm around him, allowing Jesse’s head to fall onto his lap. Walt clasped the gun in his other hand and pressed his ear to the office wall. The DEA would’ve heard that shot. They’d be moving on them at any second.

“Mr White,” Jesse murmured, “I don’t want to go to jail.”

“You won’t have to, Jesse,” Walt promised, sighing with relief. “You can still get away from here. There’s still time. Just make a run for it. I’ll cover you.”

The machine gun was out of Walt’s reach. He could still make a grab for it if he moved Jesse off his legs. But Jesse wasn’t moving. He clung to Walt’s shirt.

“No, I...I don’t want to go to New Hampshire either.”

Walt’s mind went perfectly blank for a moment.

Then he coughed. And then he nodded.

Walt held the gun behind Jesse’s head and waited.


Date: 2013-01-02 04:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hanfastolfe.livejournal.com
Heyyyyyyy! :D \o/

Couple quick notes - you typoed the link to my handle and you left a wording unchanged on "exact number minutes he had left to save Jesse". :)

(You can screen this afterwards)

Date: 2013-01-02 10:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Thanks again han! I did notice that there was some sort of problem with your username last night when I posted but LJ was running sooo sloooowly I eventually gave up trying to fix it. I think I've got it sorted now. Thanks for spotting that typo too!

Date: 2013-01-02 01:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] selenak.livejournal.com
That's absolutely heartbreaking, and I can so see it happening. (Though I hope it won't!) Walt wanting to go out in a blaze of glory, by cop or by Jesse if needs be, Jesse as the one capable of seeing the cops as people, not props to Walt's drama, and not wanting them dead... and above all, Walt telling Jesse the truth not out of sadism or a need to confess but as one more act of manipulation to save Jesse's life, with it promptly backfiring into Jesse then being ready to die. Ouch, ouch, ouch. But really well written.

Date: 2013-01-02 10:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
I hope this scenario won't happen either! I often write these kind of dark depressing fics for favourite shows of mine that are coming to an end soon - just as a way of bracing myself in case the worst happens! I think BrBa could possibly end like a Shakespearian tragedy with many characters dying (including Walt and Jesse) or being scarred for life. But I still hope there will be a slight silver lining to the real conclusion.

I'm pleased you felt this was in character though. It's so sad really; one of Walt's most redeeming qualities is that he will risk his own life to save Jesse, yet at the same time Walt has damaged Jesse so badly that these days he no longer cares if he lives or dies. For Jesse's sake I have to hope he doesn't learn the whole truth because I do fear it could drive him to suicide.

I love your icon, btw!

Date: 2013-01-02 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pgilmour.livejournal.com
Well done! I liked that you had in Walt's plan that Jesse's new identity would make him Walt's son. I had actually thought of that myself in all my imaginings of how this would end. This only makes me long for July even more though! I'm never going to make it! I keep wondering how they are going to get from Point A - Walt and family at his house with Hank in the bathroom to Point B - Walt 9 months or so later at Dennys. I mean he's not wearing his ring so Skyler must not be with him, which indicates to me that he must've gone on the run and is not under Witness Protection or something, because you'd think if he'd chosen that route he'd have his family with him. Perhaps Skyler rolled on him to protect herself and the kids and maybe went into witness protection with them? That would make more sense than Jesse rolling on him since she wouldn't want to have the kids taken away from her. So, if he's back to protect someone, who would it be? I like the idea of Jesse being hostage cook (as in your story), but I imagine they would've taken him sooner, so why wait so long to go back and get him? Plus, they're based in Phoenix, so why ABQ? However, Jesse is about the only one I can imagine getting into the sort of situation that would require a high powered weapon to extricate him. It's agonizing having to wait! The only thing sustaining me is re-reading your Walt and Jesse analyses. The other thing I'm really hoping for in these last eight - more Jesse POV. We didn't really get much of that in the last eight. Anyways, very well done on the story!

Date: 2013-01-02 10:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Brain twins indeed! Yes, I needed to find some way for Walt to formally adopt Jesse. :D

I mean he's not wearing his ring so Skyler must not be with him, which indicates to me that he must've gone on the run and is not under Witness Protection or something

This fic did originally include several references to Skyler and Walt's kids but my beta (wisely) suggested I took them out because I was going off on a tangent. But yeah, I imagined that they would be in witness protection during the events of this fic. Either that or Skyler would be in jail and the kids would be back with the Schraders.

I like the idea of Jesse being hostage cook (as in your story), but I imagine they would've taken him sooner, so why wait so long to go back and get him? Plus, they're based in Phoenix, so why ABQ?

Ha! I've thought about these factors too. I also think if they have Declan cook-napping Jesse it'll be immediately after Walt's disappearance and that they would probably smuggle him out to a secret superlab in Phoenix. So my new theory for the ending is that Jesse escapes on his own and returns to ABQ. Saul then tells Walt who comes to town to protect Jesse and take revenge on the Phoenix cartel. I kinda like this theory better since I don't want Jesse to be reduced to a damsel in distress role so escaping without Walt's help would be awesome. That would offer the possibility of a Walt/Jesse vs the Phoenix crew vs the DEA climax. Maybe with additional threats from Madrigal, Chile and any surviving Mexican cartel. Walt has pissed off a lot of people! :D

The other thing I'm really hoping for in these last eight - more Jesse POV.

Agreed. The front eight could have done with a lot more Jesse and more Hank too. We know Hank will be getting the spotlight in the final episodes. The idea of a Hank/Jesse collaboration is very appealing for these reasons. I think they will both get more in the final eight. Mike's death has left room for more focus on the remaining characters.

Date: 2013-01-02 11:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pgilmour.livejournal.com
It's so sad really; one of Walt's most redeeming qualities is that he will risk his own life to save Jesse, yet at the same time Walt has damaged Jesse so badly that these days he no longer cares if he lives or dies.

Ok, so I'm responding to your comment to someone else - I think for Walt to do what he did to Jesse at the end of S4, he had to consciously put emotional distance between himself and Jesse. As he said “Secrets build barriers between people”. And I really got the feeling in S5 that he was going through the motions of caring about Jesse, without really caring. That being said, I think he does care very much, but he kind of cut off communication with the part of his brain that tells him he cares. Does that make any sense? BC said something about in the last episode having a hard time figuring out what Walt was feeling and then realizing that Walt has buried all his emotions so deeply that he doesn’t even know what he feels. But that little smile he gets when he sees Jesse that last time was affectionate, so somewhere down deep he must care. At least that was my interpretation. Of course, I shouldn’t care that he cares since he’s pretty despicable at this point. It’s a testament to how well this show is written and acted that you simultaneously want Jesse to be free of Walt, but also want those two to just work it out and go go-carting….

We know Hank will be getting the spotlight in the final episodes.

I do want some Hank POV in the last 8, but I hope it doesn’t turn into the Hank vs. Walt show with Jesse being a second thought. That would kinda suck. And I'd really like to see Skyler come through it all. I agree with you about the Skyler/Jesse alliance. That would be awesome! At the very least, I'd like her to realize that he's more like her than like Walt.

The only problem I thought of with the hostage cook theory is that I think Jesse would rather let them kill him than be dragged back in against his will. So for the hostage thing to work, I think they'd have to have some leverage on him - Andrea and Brock? his family? Obviously, I spend way too much time thinking about this!
Edited Date: 2013-01-02 11:33 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-01-02 11:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Yay, you got your italics coding working! :D If LJ didn't suck so much it'd be nice if they just added a damn italics option to comment posting.

I think Walt had very passionate love/hate feelings towards Jesse at the end of S4. One moment he's yelling at Jesse to go get himself killed in Mexico, then he is yelling at Tyrus that he'll never cook again if anything has happened to Jesse in Mexico. I think Walt feels possessive of Jesse more so than loving or hating. It's the same with Skyler. He's cruel and abusive to her, yet he still won't let her go.

I hope it doesn’t turn into the Hank vs. Walt show

Well S4 was the Walt vs Gus show and Jesse still had a pivotal role to play in that battle. Usually when it's Walt Vs Anyone (Mike, Tuco, etc) Jesse is heavily involved in their conflict. Hank will surely link Jesse to Walt. He also knows Jesse has links with Saul, Badger, Tuco, etc. I think Hank is going to realise Jesse is a key player in the Heisenberg case. And yes, I hope we'll get that sort of Jesse/Skyler solidarity too.

I think they'd have to have some leverage on him - Andrea and Brock? his family?

I don't think they'll bring back Andrea & Brock, but I'm sure Lydia could find Jesse's family. If they threatened Jesse's little brother they'd certainly have leverage over him. I agree that if they just tried to make him cook at gunpoint Jesse would refuse and tell them to shoot him.
Edited Date: 2013-01-03 12:03 am (UTC)

Date: 2013-01-02 10:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] frenchani.livejournal.com
You're killing me here! This is so them!

PS: LJ is working for me again AT LAST so I can leave a comment!

Date: 2013-01-02 10:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Thank you! Glad you liked it!

PS: God, tell me about it. I barely managed to post this last night before LJ packed up and died on me again. Now I can finally post it at the BB-art community.

Date: 2013-01-03 05:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] diamondtopaz.livejournal.com
Wow, freaky. I had almost this exact same idea for how the series would end, and I was gonna write it down eventually myself, but you executed it so well here there's barely a point. I could totally see it happening this way. The last half of Season 5 is bound to be about Heisenburg's decline and undoing. Walt is doomed to die by cancer, or else to get caught by Hank...neither of which he would want, so he would provoke Jesse into attacking him by telling him the truth about Jane and Brock, just so Walt could end it on his terms.
I know not everybody agrees with me on this, but I actually WANT Jesse to kill Walt in the end. He has suffered for every decision Walt has made, and I want nothing more than to see him break free.
Nice job!

Date: 2013-01-03 04:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
I think Vince Gilligan put the idea in my head since he said in his 'End Times' commentary that even if Walt's manipulation had failed, Walt would prefer Jesse killing him to Gus or one of Gus's goons killing him. I think it all comes down to Walt's need to have control. Walt can't escape death but he can control how he dies and suicide-by-Jesse allows him to remain the master and manipulator.

I guess this is why I don't want Jesse to kill Walt, certainly not if he is just being used as a puppet again. Personally I don't think killing Walt would bring Jesse any freedom or redemption. Jesse left the meth business because all the killing got too much for him. I like the idea of Jesse bringing about Walt's downfall but I hope it won't come down to Jesse killing Walt (or Walt killing Jesse either).

Thanks so much for reading. Great icon btw. :D

Date: 2013-01-03 04:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] diamondtopaz.livejournal.com
Thanks, it's my boyfriend's and my Halloween costumes. :)

I dunno, it's just every time Walt makes a decision, it's Jesse who reaps the consequences. (Ex: Walt says "We need to expand," Jesse says it's a bad idea, but goes along with it. One of Jesse's best friends dies as a result, and all Walt can do is shrug and say "Which one was Combo, again?") I want to see him break away from that cycle in the end.

Date: 2013-01-03 04:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
You both look awesome! I love that you went as OD'd Jane.

I'd like Jesse to be free of that cycle too, but I fear that Jesse is too damaged for a happy ending. I mean, Jesse has already broken away from Walt but he's still living a lonely aimless life. Maybe I'm just too emotionally attached to the relationship? I hope it doesn't all end in hate and killing! *even though...I just wrote it that way*

Date: 2013-01-03 05:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] diamondtopaz.livejournal.com
I was Zombie Jane. XD Stuck one of those syringe inkpens to my arm with a bandaid and said it was keeping me alive while I forage for brains and dope. :P

Walt HAS to die. I'm sorry to his fans, but in these fall from grace tales, redemption always equals death. It would just damage the moral of the show for him to walk away consequence-free. I am crossing my fingers for Jesse, though.

Date: 2013-01-03 11:13 am (UTC)
ext_394578: (Best friends)
From: [identity profile] hungryhippo11.livejournal.com
Oh God...I'd hate to be all incoherent tumblr speak, but this fic is giving me ALL THE FEELS. Jesus. What a great piece.

Date: 2013-01-03 04:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Thank you! I really appreciate your "FEELS". :D

Date: 2013-01-04 10:24 am (UTC)
ext_394578: (Glum Joker)
From: [identity profile] hungryhippo11.livejournal.com
LOL, you're welcome. I've been trying to remain in steadfast denial of these episodes marking the end, but with publicity slowly trickling out and then coming across your fic, I became all sad again :'(
Edited Date: 2013-01-04 10:26 am (UTC)

Date: 2013-01-05 07:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yatsirch.livejournal.com
I am somewhat concerned that I might have woken up the neighbours with my reactions to this fic. Amazing! Your scenario is disturbingly convincing ;___;

Date: 2013-01-05 07:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! Now I'm just wondering what noises you made that might have woke people up next door!

Date: 2013-01-06 08:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yatsirch.livejournal.com
Mostly just a lot of 'oh nononononono' and muffled squeaking in horror.

...y'know, I'm not really sure if I'll be able to handle the actual finale at this rate xP

Date: 2013-01-06 08:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
None of us will be able to handle it! :D

Date: 2013-01-05 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] glowvomit.livejournal.com
okay, so, first of all, this was amazing. now i have to find the words to explain why i love it. jesse is so broken and sad by the end of season 5 that i think something like this works perfectly. he just seems defeated, not as capable of being outright angry at walter as he was before. walter needs that kind of reaction from jesse and you portray perfectly how he panics when jesse doesn't give into the manipulation in the expected way. i wonder about him even believing walter upon hearing everything, though he knows what walter is capable of, maybe some part of him would want to be believe it's true. to me it seems bizarre to see all those confessions written down at once, they are just too much, even though i am already familiar with them and jesse isn't...hard to imagine him as anything other than shocked (or not so shocked?) and devastated at this point.

also, you portray such a beautiful combination of fatherly walt and manipulative walt...wanting jesse to start a new life, as his son, but still wanting to control him until the very end. he wants him to be able to move forward but still wants to leave scars, though that isn't how it works out. and then jesse's head in walt's lap is so tender, which is so disturbing. seriously, just...lovely job.

i'm terrified of how the show will end. i don't want it to be this way, as much as i can't help but love jesse being hurt, jesse crying, etc. but i want him to be okay so badly. your writing is perfect...thank you for writing this scenario and breaking my heart.

Date: 2013-01-05 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Thank you so much for your detailed feedback!

Well, it's the BB writing team that likes to play 'break the cutie' with Jesse so I just follow their lead. The thought of Jesse learning the devastating truth about all Walt's betrayals, well - it's just absurdly angsty. Like 'Hey Jesse, you never knew this, but I shot your good friend Mike, I poisoned a child you love and I let your girlfriend choke to death'. It's so extreme and bizarre that I really do think Jesse might NOT believe Walt. He might think it's another manipulative lie or Jesse might just not WANT to believe it.

you portray such a beautiful combination of fatherly walt and manipulative walt

Thanks! I was trying to show flashes of the 'Mr White' Walt and the 'Heisenberg' Walt without the two contradicting each other too much. Both sides of Walt want to leave Jesse a legacy of sorts. Mr White wants to provide for Jesse's future, like he tried to do for his family. Heisenberg just wants to control Jesse till the end and haunt his memory forever.

I hope the show doesn't end like this either! (aside from a slight desire to see Bryan and Aaron act out a scene like this).

Date: 2013-01-06 03:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cylune9.livejournal.com
I told you this already and I know you agree but I really hope the show doesn't end like this. I know it won't end well (how could it?) but this is like... so dark.

I love how you portrayed Walt to be this polarizing character that part of me wants to hate so much but can't really. Walt scarifying himself so that Jesse could live a possible happy life? so sweet. Walt wanting to leave scars? so awful.

Date: 2013-01-06 08:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Yes, this is way too dark. But this is like me writing 'Scar Tissue' before Felix's dark arc on BSG. Sometimes I'll write really dark fic to brace myself for the worst. I guess this fic confirms that I don't want Jesse to find out about Jane, Brock, etc, because it would be too traumatic.

I think S5 Walt really does have that sort of split personality. In his big S5 argument scenes with Jesse (5x7) and Skyler (5x4) he has these moments of warmth and caring mixed in with Walt just being vicious and controlling towards them.

Are you properly home yet? Still dying to see all your ABQ pictures. :D

Date: 2013-01-06 03:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com

But I will be back to read it as soon as I post my version of 'events'!!


Date: 2013-01-06 09:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Sure thing! I'd probably want to do the same if you'd posted your fic first. Who knows? Maybe we've written a very similar scenario?


Date: 2013-01-06 09:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lenina20.livejournal.com
I am so happy to see this posted, and thrilled that you're getting such a great response! It was an amazing accomplishment, this fic - you are so endlessly awesome! You set yourself to do this, and it was amazingly outsntading! It was a pleasure reading through this! ♥

Date: 2013-01-06 01:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Thanks so much for your betaing, len! You made this fic so much better and helped me feel more confident about it. I really didn't expect to get a lot of feedback (BB fandom is small and on hiatus after all). So the response has been a pleasant surprise.

Date: 2013-01-07 04:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sydpenguinbunny.livejournal.com
Oh..... my.... God....

*looks for words*

*ten years later*

*still looking*

I..... Jesse.... But.... I.... Walt.... I....

Date: 2013-01-08 10:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Thank you so much!! It's great to get any kind of feedback from such a prolific BrBa ficcer as yourself.

Date: 2013-01-09 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sydpenguinbunny.livejournal.com
No, thank YOU! You are an excellent writer and I really, really hope to see more BB fic from you in the future :D

And now I have you added as a friend on LJ. Dunno how I managed to not do that before, my notifications get wonky sometimes ^_^

Date: 2013-01-10 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Thanks! I haven't got plans for more BB fic. I never thought I'd write for this fandom at all - normally I only write fanfic if canon leaves me feeling dissatisfied and BB never does. But the response to this one fic has been v. encouraging so who knows.

Thanks for friending back. I definitely need to read more BB fic (I've hardly read any BB fic either - though one that I did check out was your awesome Gale character study. Oh Gale...)

Babies. Mine. Will you have them?

Date: 2013-01-10 07:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinloi.livejournal.com
Subjects aside, and in all seriousness, I love you. I don't know you, but I love you.

Because, this. This is so very perfect that finding appropriate feedback is ridiculously hard. Everything about it, the setting- dreary and desolate with just the tiniest sliver of hope, a hope that is ultimately crushed in the short span of the story. And the characterization is so spot on it's almost painful. No, scratch that, it is painful, because I could see all of this happening oh so very clearly, and it nearly made me cry.

Jesse. Oh, Jesse. He broke my heart in a way that only canon Jesse ever really has, and my heart is made of some pretty stern stuff. Even Walt broke my heart. Sure, his concern for Jesse spawned from some selfish desire to dissolve his own feelings of responsibility for him, and his confession wasn't out of love, or guilt, or anything other than manipulation, but that is Walt. His love is always a two sided sword, at least when Jesse is involved, and to portray him any other way would be false.

And then ending. Guh. I've had that image in my head for about three seasons now, the whole suicide, murder/suicide angle. Very Reservoir Dogs, which is something the series has always reminded me of, at least the Walt/Jesse dynamic. And, and, and. I don't know. Really. There's so much I want to gush about, and this story is undoubtedly being saved to my fanfic flash drive so I can read it over and over and over again. But, yeah. This is long winded and probably annoying, and way off the mark, but... okay I'm stopping now. Honestly.

Also, obligatory Misfits love, because OMG you have a Misfits icon, and it's not often you see those, much less from someone in a fandom from across the pond.

Re: Babies. Mine. Will you have them?

Date: 2013-01-10 09:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Wow. Thank you so much! This comment made my day. You're really spoiling me here, but thank you. I'm so happy that you liked my hellishly angst-ridden fic! :D I do love writing hurty fic and it seems Jesse Pinkman was created to destroy all our hearts. And yes! My heart still breaks for awful awful despicable Walt too. Oh my beloved Heisenberg monster. I wish I knew how to quit him.

I've had that image in my head for about three seasons now, the whole suicide, murder/suicide angle. Very Reservoir Dogs, which is something the series has always reminded me of, at least the Walt/Jesse dynamic.

Someone has finally pointed out that I ripped off the Reservoir Dogs ending - YAY! Yes, I've always thought Walt/Jesse were more White/Orange than White/Pink. Though I'd prefer Jesse to get the Mr Pink ending and survive!

Yes! Misfits Love! Well I'm English so Misfits is one of my few local fandoms.

Thanks again.

Date: 2013-01-15 06:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
So, I couldn't do it any longer. I couldn't WAIT any longer. So, I caved and I read it!!



This is flaw-free.

I was reading along, remarking to myself how [spoiler alert] similar your premise is to mine, and then, BAM! You pull a perfect one eighty on me!

This is stunning. And such a good push to get me to finally finish mine!

THANK YOU SO MUCH! And I will be returning the favour very soon, I promise!


Date: 2013-01-15 11:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] falafel-musings.livejournal.com
Yay! So glad you caved - and so glad you liked it! AND best of all, I'm excited that it's spurring you to finish your own 'Jesse finds out, oh the humanity!' fic. I'm really interested to see what's similar and what's different in our two scenarios.

Thanks again! I will always be nervous if it's BB fic. I'm better off writing fic for shows I don't think are very good, like Lost and Glee. It takes the pressure off.

PS - Your fic! Can't wait!!


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