Guess Who's Frakking Felix Gaeta?

[falafel_musings]

Summary: Humour fic. In an effort to improve the crew's morale onboard the Demetrius, Starbuck hosts a games night in the mess hall.
Characters: Kara, Felix, Anders, Helo, Athena, Seelix and the rest. 
Pairings: Mentions of almost every Gaeta crack!ship.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't frakking own BSG.
Spoilers: Up to S4, episode 3.
Warnings: Kink, sillyness and excessive use of the word 'frak'.
Author's Note: Don't ask me where this fic came from. I was working on my Baltar/Gaeta story last night and then following a little bout of insomnia I suddenly had this naughty bunny in my head. Part of my motivation was to cheer myself up, but I also had an urge to write the fun!Starbuck that we haven't seen very much of in S4. 

Guess who’s frakking Felix Gaeta?

 

“Okay Felix…truth or dare?”

 

Kara had her crew seated around the long table in the common area of the Demetrius. The poor bastards had been slogging it out for over a month on her fool’s errand to find Earth. Kara had shaken herself out of her trance today, deciding it was high time she made an effort to improve morale before the whole crew, including her husband, began a mutiny against her. An hour ago she had packed up her paint trays and broken out the ambrosia, treating her crew to a little party in the mess. She needed work the old Starbuck charm and get them back on her side. Of course, not one of the stupid frakkers had thought to bring a deck of cards along on their trip, so she was resorting to the only other game she knew.       

 

“Truth, I guess,” Felix answered lazily.

 

His cheek was propped against his palm. He looked positively bored; determined not to enjoy her revels. Kara narrowed her eyes on him. She might have known Felix would be a pain in her ass. The night had been going well so far. Kara had already dared Sharon and Seelix to kiss with tongues and Anders to pull his pants down and play the Caprica Buccaneers anthem on his butt cheeks. Felix was the first player to choose ‘Truth’.

 

“Alrighty then…” Kara didn’t have a damned clue what she wanted to ask him so she went with the first question that popped into her head. “Are you frakking Dualla?”

 

Felix rolled his eyes. “No sir, I am not frakking Dee...” he returned crisply.

 

He leaned back in his chair, a satisfied smile teasing at his lips as he sparked up a cigarette. He seemed relieved to have gotten off so lightly. Well, Kara wasn’t finished with him yet. She had grown tired of this pissy little attitude from Felix. Oh, she knew why he acted this way. Yes, she had almost blasted his innocent heroic ass out of an airlock. Yes, she had been a monstrous bitch of the highest degree towards him. But she couldn’t take her sins back now and, damn it, she wasn’t gonna let him hold this righteous little grudge against her forever.

 

Kara took a drag on her cigar, leaning forwards in her seat.      

 

“Oh really, Felix?” she pressed, her eyes wide and meddlesome. “I thought for sure that Dualla would move onto you after she broke it off with Apollo.” She gasped elaborately. “No wait...I know who you’re frakking! It’s what’s his name, isn’t it? That guy they brought over from the Pegasus?”

 

“Excuse me…” Anders interrupted. “…a guy from the Pegasus?”

 

Kara winked. “Mr Gaeta likes his bread buttered on both sides...don't cha?”

 

Sharon smiled, delighted by the thought. “Is that true, Felix?!”

 

“Hoshi!” Kara exclaimed, slapping the tabletop. “That’s his name, right? Hoshi. You’re frakking Hoshi!”

 

Felix pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, I am not frakking Hoshi either.”   

 

Kara frowned. “Why not? He’s cute.”

  
“Is it Helo’s turn yet?” Felix snapped, folding his arms.

 

“Now hang on a minute, stud…we need to get to the bottom of this.” Kara rose to her feet and sat on the edge of the tabletop. “Who is it exactly that you are frakking at the moment, Lieutenant?” she probed.

 

Felix gave a small exasperated hiss. “Not that it’s really any of your business, sir, but I’m not frakking anybody…at present,” he added hurriedly.  

 

“Okay then...so I have new question.” Kara pursed her lips. “Who have you frakked in the CIC?”

 

Felix cocked his head, exhaling a mouthful of smoke. “Well, unlike you Captain Thrace I don’t make a habit of sleeping with every one of my colleagues.”

 

Kara raised her eyebrows. “So are you telling me you haven’t frakked even one those lovely guys or gals up on the bridge?” She rubbed her temples, her mind spooling. “Oh man…you’ve gotta have frakked somebody in the fleet, right? Seelix, can you tell me if Mr Gaeta has been frakking any of the knuckledraggers? Because I know for a fact he isn’t a notch on the bedpost of any of the viper pilots.”

 

Seelix shrugged. “I used to think he was frakking Gaius Baltar.”

 

Kara’s jaw dropped open and her eyes flew back to Felix just in time to see him flinch in his seat.

 

“She shoots, she scores!” Kara crowed, pumping her fist in the air. “You must have frakked Baltar, right Felix?” 

 

"No..." Felix tightened his lips, "…but you did.”

 

Anders blinked, incredulous. “You frakked Baltar, Kara?”

 

“Before your time, Sammy boy,” She answered briskly, patting him on the shoulder. Kara turned back to Felix. She was determined that he wasn’t gonna get the better of her. “So...did you and Doctor Baltar just talk about frakking all day when you were supposedly working on your little cylon detector?" She smirked. "Come on, Felix. If you never frakked Gaius Baltar that’s just sad. Everybody knew you wanted to frak him.”

 

“Leave it alone, Starbuck…” Sharon warned her.

 

Felix was still holding her stare, his face impassive, while his fingers tapped rapidly on the tabletop. Yes, it probably wasn’t the best idea to rile Felix up about Baltar. He might have a pen on him.

 

She raised her hands. “Okay, you gotta help me out here, Lieutenant. You’ve been in the service for like five frakking years. Surely you’ve frakked somebody in all that time.” Kara winced. “At least tell me you had a little girlfriend or boyfriend when you were in cadet training?”

 

Felix lowered his eyes then, his cheeks flushing slightly. Kara's smile faded a little. You have got to be kidding me, she thought. Had he really never...

 

“Oh, Lords of Kobol...why have you forsaken this boy?!” Kara exclaimed, turning her eyes to the ceiling and throwing up her arms in protest to the Gods. The rest of the Demetrius crew spluttered on their ambrosias as Kara stubbed out her cigar, rose to her feet and began to loosen her belt.

 

“Right! That’s it, Felix. I’m gonna frak you myself – right here, right now, on this table. I'm sorry, but I can’t have all your pent up sexual frustration on my ship.”

 

Felix snorted, averting his eyes. “With all due respect, Captain Thrace…" he muttered. "...you’re the last person on this ship who I would want to frak.”

 

Kara glanced playfully over her shoulder. “Were you looking at Sharon when you said that?” She laughed, pulling the band out of her hair and letting it spill over her shoulders. “Felix, I don’t really give a damn who you would rather frak on this ship. You’re frakking me. That’s an order, Lieutenant.”

 

“Then I may have to mutiny...” Felix said dryly, shifting in his seat.

 

“Sam,” said Kara, turning to her husband who was sniggering in his chair, enjoying her antics. “I know we're married and all, but it’s imperative that I frak Mister Gaeta this evening. So could you bring him here please?”

 

Felix had waited too long to put out his cigarette and bolt from the chair. Anders caught him in a tackle hold and Helo helped him to hoist Felix onto the table, their laughter drowning out his indignant protests.

 

“Sorry man, I’m just following orders...” said Anders, mischievously.

 

Kara sprang up onto the tabletop, quickly straddling Felix and running a hand through his thick dark curls. Felix swallowed, trying desperately to retain his composure.   

 

“Would you mind…taking your frakking hands off me, sir?”

 

Kara stretched one arm out to clasp the ambrosia bottle and take a hearty swig.

 

“Listen Felix, I’m trying to be a good Captain here. This is a dangerous mission. I can’t promise that all of us are gonna make it back…so I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let any member of my crew die a virgin.”

 

Felix narrowed his eyes. “Frak you, Starbuck.”       

 

She nodded obligingly. “That is the idea, Felix." She smiled again, teasing him. "You know something, Tiger…you’re rather sexy when you get angry...”

 

Kara bent down, snaking out her tongue and licking at the corner of his tattoo. Felix arched his back like a cat. He grasped her wrists and flipped her over, pinning her down on the table.

 

“Just to make my position clear, Captain Thrace…let’s say we manage to find Earth...and let’s say by the time we reach Earth you and I are the only surviving members of the human race...and let’s say that even if the preservation of our entire species was dependant on us frakking…I still wouldn’t frak you!”

 

The Demetrius crew blinked in stunned silence. Kara chewed her lip, her eyes wide with amazement. Felix was the first one to crack a smile. As his smile rippled into a bout of laugher they both fell about cackling on the tabletop. Their hysterics spread around the mess like wild fire. Demons were exorcised, wounds were allowed to breath and after a long month trapped inside that hot filthy sewage ship, they found a brief moment of release.   

 

Kara wiped her eyes and clung to her aching sides.

 

“Oh Felix…you’ve no idea how hot I am for you right now.”

 

“Tell me about it,” said Helo, nodding along with her.

 

The others all turned to stare at him, raising their eyebrows.

 

“What?” Helo smiled and shrugged. “I’d frak him.”

 

Ends.